There were days
and there were days
and there were days I know
when all we ever wanted
was to learn and love and grow
Once we grew into our shoes
we told them where to go
walked halfway around the world
on promise of the glow
stood upon a mountain top
walked barefoot in the snow
gave the best we had to give
how much we'll never know we'll never know

It was never my intention to be a mom at 22 years old. It was definitely not my intention to be a mother to three children at 30! As a matter of fact, I'm not sure I ever thought of my intentions at all. I travelled around the country following the Grateful Dead for the brief time that Jerry lived in the 90's. I saw shows whenever I could while I was still in high school. I couldn't wait for the next. I couldn't wait for the day that I was free to go and follow them around. I relished the warmth and bathed in the electric light of each and every show. Whenever I listen to the Dead I still tingle. I often find myself crying and sometimes in my head I still see people spinning in unison, hugging, smiling and living a dream that, now, seems so unattainable. I've NEVER felt the peace and contentment that I felt when Jerry played. I remember watching the notes drift from the strings in endless lines of violet. I remember feeling the consciousness of the entire crowd, guessing, willing, and often even KNOWING what the next song would be. These nights I didn't even do drugs. It wasn't about that for me. The environment was completely self sufficient. People each had a job, a place in the family. I knew where to find the falafels, the grilled cheeses, the BEST veggie lasagna, and baked potatoes. If I was in a decadent mood I knew where to go for gooballs and ganja. The scenery changed, some of the people changed, but my love for each day stayed the same.

All of this came at a price, though. I never finished college. No long term formal education for me.  Oh, I read books. I engaged in stimulating intellectual conversations, discussed religion and politics, learned about places and became very socially adept, but I have no degree. AND...now I have three children. My husband works tirelessly to provide for us. He DID finish college. He graduated summa cum laude, studied philosophy, lived and stayed in the same town until college, kept his close ties to his family and friends. I left it all for fun. Some days I think I did myself and my children and spouse a disservice. But most days, when I'm doing dishes for the third time, washing sheets, nuturing my littlest, crying out of frustration, or feeling like I need more (stuff, money, clothing, looks) to get by in this world, I think back to those days. I didn't need anything other than motivation, kindness, food, and love (and a vehicle of some sort). I still have all of these things. I didn't lose my identity when I gave birth. I enhanced it. I took a new turn in my long, strange trip. I am better and more real for it. I don't regret my decisions. I revel in them. Every "mistake", every misfortune, every wrong turn has led me to a new discovery. Those were the days and this IS the day! I rejoice in that fact, that each day is new and that, God willing ,there is always the next. Now may not seem as eventful as the past. I may feel hindered by my current situation, but in many ways I am more free with a broader perspective. The Grateful Dead and their following taught me many things that I see missing in today's society. I learned that the world can retain it's beauty, it's relationship with the earth, it's fun, and its individual opinions but still function as one entity. I didn't forgo an education. I was and am wholly educated and suited to do the most important work there is. I am raising the future generation. The generation that will either heal or kill our world. Through a deep relationship with God and the Grateful Dead I have learned more than any university could have taught me. My days aren't what I necessarily intended, but I thank God for the Days Between!!!

And Jerry for making it fun...