When I started this blog an eternity ago, uh, like two weeks ago, I had intended it to be very personal. All the things I couldn't say out loud to friends, family, and the world would be documented here. Now I find myself being so cautious and reserved. I fear that if I write all I don't say it will be a huge indictment on my lucidity. Bob Dylan said it best when he sang "if my thought dreams could be seen, they'd probably put my head in a guillontine." I can be so articulate but never when it counts. In the face of opposition I often draw blanks. I've lost my sense of humor too. I still make jokes constantly but most of them in an attempt to deflect the dire need for serious attendance to matters. I no longer think politics, race, religion, parenting, environment, consumerism, or gender is a laughing matter. How austere can I become before everyone around me starts to despise my company? I get sick of people who walk around in an overanalytical, pensive state, yet I AM becoming that person! The cynical, pessimistic bore. That's not who I want to be. I find that often in my presence conversations come to an abbreviated halt because what began as a nonchalant conversation turns quickly and disturbingly into a long winded oration on any of the previously mentioned topics. When it doesn't, I feel that people often leave our conversations feeling I'm a nitwit. I never cared before I had kids and now everything is a burden. I don't find it funny.

Before kids, I didn't care if my hair was knotted, I didn't wear a bra or shave my legs, if I came across crass and crude, or spoke my mind concerning my beliefs in the face of complete opposition. I guess I just feel now that our lives are inundated with information and that there are only those brief moments when we can really connect with people. The conversations we have in this era seem more important historically than all others. There is a huge divide in our society and somehow, I feel, we must replensish this space with substance to create the bridge that will lead us into the next century. Can we do this and retain our sense of selves? Can we do this and steadfastly hold on to our beliefs? When do we agree to disagree? Can there be understanding when we all speak in different termonology? Where is the line between dogma and righteous idealogy? I know these are ALL age old questions. I know that you can't please everyone. But can't the world just settle down enough for me to feel like I can truly laugh again? I want to make it alright for my children to grow up and speak their minds without it isolating them. Maybe giving up on these questions and this particular struggle is what it means to mature. Maybe this is why old people sit in their rockers and sigh deeply saying things like "Oh, to be young again." But if there are no solutions, hell with it!!! Put my head in the damn guillotine and get it over with already!